Why do all good things come to an end? Is it so they can make room for even better ones.
Staring at the screen, realizing he had used the technique of blocking and unblocking to force the unfollow so she would no longer see his tweets in her timeline.
She was taking the trip down the memory lane of their friendship which now over had felt like something special. Like everything in those days, he came unexpected into her life. “Knock, knock” was the first thing he said when he dropped into her DM. Charming, interesting, intelligent, those words that came to mind while thinking of him. In a sea of rotten fish, she dreamed of a pure white pearl. She wanted to believe he was different, she needed him to be different.
Longing for the recognition of herself in him she reached out wearing her heart on her sleeve. With nothing to hide, no lies or pretence she shared with him her life, her happiness and sorrows, her disappointments and desires. Taken aback by the sincerity and unexpected openness of her being he listened and absorbed. Unintentionally, he started sharing himself with her revealing more than he intended, sharing with her the depths of his darkness, as much as he thought she could bear. Not too much though, for he saw her as fragile and unstable.
They both struggled. He struggled with himself for he wanted her but knew he couldn’t give her what she needed. She struggled with her own existence, lost in the whirlpool of life that relentlessly sucked her in and left her naked on an unknown shore. She felt his affection but he was married, beyond the limit she had set for herself and which she wasn’t prepared to cross. “I love my wife” he said when everything inside him was screaming with desire to run away from the life he led. She realised that he devoured the life stories of others, just to justify his own sense of self and all the choices he had made.
I need to ration him, she thought, ration him carefully. In her mind she was clinging to the illusion of him she had created, the illusion she knew wouldn’t last. She felt him struggling, she read the truth between the lines and felt his growing affection for her. She heard the cry of a drowning man who seeks the hand of salvation but when offered, the hand was refused because the price was too high. He chose to suffocate in his own illusion of life that he created in order to survive. Illusions that she was bringing down one by one. Tormented by his demons, he walked a thin line between light and darkness.
The truth she uttered the day he went beyond the limits that they had set was more than he could bear. He didn’t expect for her to stand so strongly on her feet, to be so clear on what she needed and wanted from life. She bared her soul in front of him, shared her fears and doubts, not for him to use against her, but to show how strong she could be. Blinded by his own unsatisfied needs he failed to see that. He failed to hear her. Instead of remaining her friend, he insecure, clumsy and without restraint reached for her.
“I want to see your face as you cum.” he said.
“We are not in the same position, I’m a free woman and you are a married man” she said.
“I know, and that is why these emotions have to stay in the cage.” he replied. “I did give you signs, you know.”
“Yes, I know but I can’t be with a married man, I won’t be the woman who breaks up a marriage.”
“I know,” he said, “and that is why I love you. So now, we will have to restrain ourselves even more, or ride this wild river and see where it will take us.”
She paused and then said “I won’t say I wasn’t curious about us. Would we burn or would we last I wondered.”
“I can’t give you what you need” he said.
“I know, but I don’t need an affair” she said. “What I need you know very well that you can’t give me, you are not a free man. I am not the one who needs to deal with demons here, that is your privilege.”
That was the part of the conversation she remembered vividly. Later came the
anger when he said he was only teasing her and that he didn’t really mean what he said. She had scratched too deep and he had felt exposed, naked, and alone. He needed to fill the cracks her words left in his being, but making a fool out of her was not something that she would take lightly. Truths she exposed before him were those he didn’t dare to hear, those that tear you apart if you let them sit with you for a minute too long. The idea of self-control that he kept as his cornerstone had come tumbling down.
With a calmness that belied her anger “Sooner or later you will break under the pressure of lies you made for yourself. To know yourself is the hardest thing in the word to achieve, and to control oneself all the time even more. The worst lies are those we tell ourselves because in the end they hurt the most. Thinking that we have life under our control is an illusion just so we don’t go crazy. Life doesn’t ask for your permission to happen, it just happens and you have to deal with it.”
There she was, confident in her intuition shooting bullets right into his heart leaving him reeling and bleeding on the floor. What else could he do but to step back and mend his broken ego.
Some truths can only be accepted when the time is right, when there is strength to take them, and for some truths such a time never comes.
As she was closing this chapter with his name on it, she was struck by a question so simple and true, but then again so hard because it meant dealing with her own demons — Why did she reach out and try to mend him? Why should she do that? You can’t help those who don’t want to be helped, some love their misery and some don’t have the strength or will to change their lives.
She knew she was tired of always trying to fix others. She needed someone to fix her, someone who would love her just the way she was, who would carry her when she loses her strength and who would hold her in his arms, cuddling and kissing until Morpheus carried her away.
One door had closed in her life, but another had opened. Leaving behind all that was pulling her down and going lightly into a new day seemed to be a good choice to make.
Sometimes our intuition helps us distinguish illusion from reality.