Trip down the memory lane, again. I don’t understand, why am I doing this? Why can’t I close the door behind me once and for all?
Did I really write these lines? Are these my words?
God! An amount of despair in some of them. It’s funny how as much as I see myself as a positive person, and dislike but respect despair, I like to write about it quite a lot. Is it one of those things, write to understand? I don’t know, it could be, but it’s quite annoying.
Ah, the trip down memory lane … I want to be miserable because of my own chosen blindness and justifying everything about the person I loved. I don’t want anyone’s pity or comforting words, I just want to bitch about it and be angry while crawling on the floor. To find someone to blame, I just have to look in the mirror.
Oh, I’m an expert in coming up with explanations and ideas — what might be the reason for such thoughts and behaviour. Can’t say my education was poor, but a little less psychology would come in handy, for ignorance, sometimes, really is a blessing. I’m not all nice and sweet, I’m dreaded of an ability to deceive myself with my make-believes and illusions I create. No, wait! That should be past tense. It was somewhere around Easter last year when I got fed up with myself and all the shit I did, giving up on my heart’s longing. Ah, yes! Now we are talking, now we are coming to the core of all things — longing and needs.
“Be in touch with yourself” it’s so easy to say, but let me see you try it, just for a day. We are all made different and that is the main catch, but why is it so hard to respect that fact?
And here it goes, questions are piling up again, leaving me lonely and in despair. It’s like a loop I can’t get out of. One, two, three loops I see. Oh no! There is fourth and fifth as well, and I’m starting to fall down again. Deep in my thoughts, searching for an answer, and it all comes down to human nature in its purest form. Oh, come on Iva! For God’s sake! If it was as easy as that, the world would be a peaceful playground.
But as much as we try we can’t decipher or control our own universe, let alone another one’s stars. So just let it be, and accept you will never be free from trying to understand and control that what is not for you to know. Yes, we are selfish beings, trying to write the future of the world as we see it, but it always comes back to haunt us, and the price we pay is not something we like to share.
Give it rest, stop right now go and clean something or maybe bake a pie. Ironing is out of the question, and you know that for it always takes you to the loops you so carefully stay away from.